Doria:  Suddenly cute isn't so cute anymore.  cute is kinda naughty. (said to Debbie after hearing that she wanted her nipples pierced.)

Khad's dad:  I think somebody's attacking me. I just got three or four infected e-mails.
Khad's grandma:  Infected females?

Allison:  We should make strawberry shakes.
Casey:  We don't have any ice cream or strawberries.
Allison:  I have chocolate syrup.

Dave:  Stargate wouldn't make you choose.

Debbie:  Fluff me, Khad

Doria:  Spongebob Evilcouch
Dave:  Davidcouch Evil-fucking-evil

Casey:  It's more fun than peeing.

My Momma:  Every month has fifteen days.

Carol:  Turtle heads kinda look like snake heads and snake heads look like penis heads.

Carol:  I want fuck in a pot.

Rachel:  He'd rather date freshmen.
Doria:  freshmen in high school?
Cam:  yeah, get 'em before the hair does, man.

Kenny:  What does the star on your elbow stand for?
Dave:  it stands for the five points of...my elbow.

Bev:  I am yahtzee champion! (she yelled this to us through the bathroom door)

Prof. Campbell:  Smoking crack is not my bag.

Melissa:  How do you spell "vagina?"

Carol:  What's a "queif?"

Doria:  If someone told me I had to be an ob/gyn or they would shoot me in the face I'd say, "go ahead, I'd rather be shot in the face than pull babies out of vaginas."

Carol:  Kenny will shrink so he will be like a raisin. (Carol and I were talking about what we will all be like when we are old)

Jon K.:  They are also tighter. (in reference to the sexual benefits of Asian women)

Dave:  You should tell him I will stab him in the face with a soldering iron.  Of course I don't own a soldering iron, but I would go and buy one just to stab him in the face.  You'll see me in the soldering iron aisle stabbing at the air going, "YEAH! YEAH! I'll take this one!"

Dave:  It's the rule on soldering pipes. (Dave and I talk about soldering way too much!)

Dave:  There isn't a disease in the world that would make me suck dick.  Unless I caught the gay disease.
Doria:  *laughing* If you caught gay?
Dave:  Yeah, if I caught gay.

Dave:  I am a fragile flower.  (he went on to tell me I was squashing his petals)

Dave:  I am a fragile flower.  (he went on to tell me I was squashing his petals)

Mark:  I quack; I'm a manimal.

Dave:  Tell me what my email address is.
Doria:  d-a-h-a-r-r-i-s-2-3-7-@
Dave:  Hold on let me get a pen.  Okay, (begins to recite what he is writing) d-a-h-a-r-r-i-s-2-3-7-A-T
Doria:  Not "AT" the at symbol!
Dave:  Yeah, I knew that.

MarKYss:  It comes in blue...and handy.

Melissa:  My bruise is crotched.

(Talking to my sister, Chelsea, while drunk, about my fish that died)
Mark:  They're not dead, they're sleeeeeping.  Shhh, they're sleeping.

Mark:  I was totally sober when I was drunk

Mark:  He's Revolver Ocelot from "Metal Gear"
Doria:  Is that the one with the clown?
Mark:  *laughs uncontrollably for about 5 minutes* that's "Twisted Metal"

Steve:  What's orange and looks good on a hippie?
Doria:  I don't know, what?
Steve:  fire!

Becky (to Charles):  Can I borrow your balls?

My Mom:  I be boxin' on you girl!

(overheard while downtown A² with Khad)
Lady 1:  So, they're paying you to smoke now?
Lady 2:  No, I'm on my lunch break
Lady 1:  Oh, That's too bad because they are paying me to smoke.

Mark:  You look over there while I dance.

Doria:  I am happy!
Jon K.:  I like when you are happy.  You become a bubbly queen of dark darkness.

Matt:  I think Charles has lost his mind.
Charles:  Who?

Charles (singing):  Vespucciland!

Mark:  Fuck all this high-tech crap.

Doria:  Hey, are you guys catching fireflies?
Little Girl No. 1:  No, we're catching lightning bugs.
Doria:  Oh.
Little Girl No. 1:  I have a cheese nip in my bucket. [points at other girl] She has a cheese nip in her bucket too.
Little Girl No. 2:  Yeah, and we're not catching fireflies we're catching lightning bugs.

Mark:  *Giggling Uncontrollably*
Doria:  Why are you laughing?
Mark:  I don't know. *Giggling Uncontrollably*
Doria:  *Starts to Giggle* Why are you laughing?
Mark:  Because I am weird and I think I might be evil.

Mark:  Santa Fe, blah blah blah, a bunch of stuff I didn't read.

Melissa:  Yeah, it's pirate Wednesday.

Doria:  Stop using Internet Explorer.
My Dad:  Why, all I have to do is download a service pack.

My Mom:  Snood is the opposite of snod.

Doria:  Mark wants me to sell a bunch of his stuff so that he doesn't have to move it.
Jon K.:  Does he have a rice cooker?
Doria:  I don't think so.
Jon K.:  What?! What kind of Asian doesn't have a rice cooker?!

Jon:  Do you like the toilet paper I got you?
Doria:  It's fine.
Jon:  Is it like pillows for your coochie?

Mark:  Obi Wan never told you what happened to the Holy Trinity. He told me enough! He told me you killed them! No... I am your father, son, and holy spirit!

Melissa:  Starving children are better than healthy ones because that just means they'll go quicker.

Melissa:  Jon, I am aware that you are gay, but you are also a man.

Mark:  If you have grass after Easter, give it to me.

to Robert, the waiter at Eat 'n' Park
Mark:  I want a big smiley waffle...I don't want a waffle I feel like I have to have one.

to Mark about the fact that he crochets (keep in mind she's British so there is an accent involved)
Leslie:  Oh, but Mark, that's so gay.

Mark:  Fuck, you think I'm gonna stay in PA for new years? That's gayer than two gay guys having sex facing each other and then one of them sayin, "I love you"

Mark Spano:  I don't speak cheese eating surrender monkey

Melissa:  There's always money to spend on helmets

Mark Spano:  ah sweet sweet ramune, I will drink you often in Japan.
if Ramune was a woman I would make her babies

My Dad:  You can take the girl out of Albion, but you can't take the Albion out the girl.

Mark:  The tools are all wet with fluid.

Tyler:  I don't make words good with my mouth.

Mark:  give the gift that says, You're so fucking poor you can't heat your house so I'm not going to get you anything fun... here, pay your damned bills so my tax dollars don't have to support you in a homeless shelter.

Mark:  the veneer of unpolished-ness

Mark:  jesus is omni-impotent
you don't want him doing that stuff...

Mark:  Miro, with an em. It's like "mirror" without the "r"...
and the other "r"

After picking up a penny that I found on the sidewalk...
Me:  I am a penny richer!
Mark:  What?
Me:  I'm a penny richer.
Three seconds pass as Mark tries to process it...
He finally replies with a completely confused look on his face Mark:  Who's Kenny Richard?